I Never!
Do you remember that drinking game from college, “I never?” You know the one where you make statements like; “I’ve never eaten an entire box of cookies,” and whomever has eaten an entire box of cookies, drinks? Then as the game progresses, it gets more personal (as the liquid courage takes affect), so you might hear a statement like “I’ve never made out with someone and then forgotten their name.”
So this post is all about the “I never’s” of parenthood. Things that pre-kids you thought you would never, ever do, but then changed your tune once your beautiful, screaming, pooping bundle arrived.
Following is a list of mine, and I would love to hear yours! I dare you. I triple dog dare you!
1.) I’ll never leave the big city!
On our first date, Nick and I discussed this. We liked each other more for it. We were never going to be “suburban sell-outs!” The town we moved to last week has 1,300 residents. There were more people than that on our block in Chicago. Everyone say “Hi Sell-Out!” Really, it’s ok, we don’t mind.
We traded this:
For this:
2.) I’ll never “sleep train!”
Who are these anal retentive parents who force their kids to cry it out and learn to self-soothe? Brilliant mother fizzles who like sleep, that’s who! I love my little monkeys, but there’s something about seeing them at 1am, 3am, 5am and for the day at 7am, that makes them much less cute. Sure, there are sickness exceptions, but once you no longer need to eat in the middle of the night, your cuteness quotient drops significantly at 3am.
They are so cute when they sleep.
3.) I’ll never bribe my kids!
Oh man, if a bribe of a lollipop or 10 minutes of Sesame Street on the iPad will get me through the damn grocery store without any tears (theirs or mine), totally worth it.
Have this. Mommy needs a little peace and quiet.
4.) I’ll never threaten my kids!
I can’t believe the power of the sentence “If you won’t listen, you will lose your bike privileges for the day.” Snaps him right in to shape without having to ask again. I have no idea what I’m going to do in the winter. Any suggestions?
What can I say? Dude loves his bike.
5.) I’ll never smell another human’s ass in public!
A few weeks ago, the four of us were out to lunch and halfway through I smelled…something. Without thinking, I leaned over and stuck my nose into Tilly’s diaper and took a big whiff. Nick was horrified with my behavior! Then a few days ago, we were leaving another restaurant and when Nick picked Tilly up, he lifted her ass straight to his nose and did the exact same thing. I humbly apologize if you were witness to this gross behavior.
The Almighty Sniff.
What are your biggest “I never’s?” I’ll drink to that!
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OH MY GOD too funny!!!! Yes, I’ve done those things too. Winter… well you have to see what the commodity (or most favorite activity/toy) is in winter! That will be your answer. I’ve said irrational things… I’ll leave you home…. blah blah blah
by: Heather, Jun 22nd at 8:36 am
Or the old….”I’ll never bring you to {insert destination} ever again!”
by: Sandee, Jun 22nd at 1:29 pm
Well, I’m sure I’LL never say those things!! Yeah, right! Glad you get to make all the mistakes first, so my children can be raised absolutely perfectly. ;)
by: Allie, Jun 22nd at 8:38 am
I’m glad I have this in writing. It will come in handy later, I am sure
by: Sandee, Jun 22nd at 1:28 pm
While I think of my own, I’ll share two different behaviors that I would never do and was grossed out by and now that I’m parent I still don’t think I would… #1: A child stepped into a mouse frosted cake and the parent licked the kids foot clean! Gag! Where has that foot been? #2: Eat a fresh saliva dripping food almost direct from the baby’s mouth or um, insert Alicia Silverstone…
by: Nicolle Hicks, Jun 22nd at 8:57 am
Ewwwww!
by: Sandee, Jun 22nd at 1:27 pm
Hilarious as always Sandee. You capture Motherhood in all its splendor!!!
by: Sara Szucs, Jun 22nd at 9:36 am
Motherhood is magnificent. That’s for sure. Haha
by: Sandee, Jun 22nd at 1:30 pm
I never will use the television as a babysitter. ummmmm……whatever. Bring on the 2 hour long movies!
by: Karen L, Jun 22nd at 10:35 am
Totally! And 24 hour kids programming is genius!
by: Sandee, Jun 22nd at 1:25 pm
I remember thinking…I’ll never have a tantrum throwing toddler in a grocery store, yeah RIGHT!
by: Romi Norton, Jun 22nd at 2:00 pm
Oh man! If I had a dollar for every grocery store meltdown, I’d have a villa in Greece that I paid for in full! What IS it about the damn grocery store that makes kids insane?
by: Sandee, Jun 22nd at 2:14 pm